What Would Shea Say?

Inspired by Jim Caple's interview with Yankee Stadium, I have performed a series of telephone interviews with some of the other stadiums and arenas across North America to get their opinions on the state of the world and what is the big issue in their day to day life.

Minute Maid Park

My effing train still hurts from that sonuva bitch Pujols.

Maple Leafs Garden

I'm so lonely. Nobody ever comes around anymore. Remember when they were gonna turn me into a grocery store?

Fenway Park

Grrrrr! Howl! Grrrr!

The Palace of Auburn Hills

I'm across the street from a tractor store. Could I be more in the middle of nowhere?

AT&T Park

I leaked the grand jury testimony. You happy? There, leave those two reporters alone.

Joe Louis Arena

Do you have any idea how badly a dumpster full of squid can smell? And the rats it attracts. Oh me, oh my!

TD Banknorth Garden

The following was the outgoing message on the answering machine of the arena:

You have reached the TD Banknorth Garden, formerly known as the Shawmut Center, formerly known as FleetCenter. But you can call me the Gardens. If you're calling for the Boston Bruins or Boston Celtics... [silence for 3 seconds] Okay, yeah right. Who's gonna wanna talk to the Bruins or Celtics. This is beantown baby. Go Sox!

Safe Deposit Bond

A recent discovery has been made by a small bank in Canterbury. An obscure law provides for banks in England to open safe deposit boxes of the deceased if the box is a) not stated in the will; b) not requested by the estate and c) unopened for at least 41 years after the death. The box that was recently opened belonged to a certain Ian Fleming. The contents of the box were unfinished manuscripts and random notes containing story ideas, all featuring Fleming's popular character, James Bond. The following is a list of the manuscripts and a brief synopsis.

One Week To War

James Bond must play both sides of an international dispute between the United Kingdom and France to prevent a war. The love interest appears to be a French woman named Marie Bonet.

Royal Flush

The people of Atlantis return to the surface as mermaids and wage terrorist attacks around the world. James Bond must stop them. In the process he beds the wife of the evil mermaid King.

Pub of Doom

James Bond breaks up a riot caused by football hooligans in a London pub. Note: this idea was scribbled on a cocktail napkin.

Allied Force

James Bond travels back in time to the 1930s and must stop Nazi Germany and prevent World War II.

Robobond

A mad scientist creates a robotic clone of James Bond to infiltrate Her Majesty's Secret Service. James Bond does bed a robotic woman named Sexbot.

Abbott & Costello Meet James Bond

This appears to be a comedic Bond story in which James Bond's attempts to stop a renegade general are hampered by a pair of bumbling police officers. It is safe to assume that the police officers were to be portrayed by Abbott and Costello.

Bullet to Bullet

The secret agent infiltrates a cult of gun worshippers. The love interest in this story is named Rochelle Rocket.

MacBond

This appears to be a modernized version of the Scottish play in which a secret agent named MacBond overthrows the King. However, half way through the play (this story was written as a play), the new king divides his new kingdom amongst his three daughters, one of which is in love with the son of the King's most hated rival. It is not known if Fleming was trying to ape several Shakespearean plays or if he simply got confused.

The Legend of the Gadzebro

In the days of madness before man ruled the Earth, creatures of all sorts roamed the land, soared through the sky and swimmed in the watery depths. However, there was one beast that ruled all others. This beast was the Gadzebro. Only one such beast has ever existed.

The Gadzebro itself was a large, brown hexapod. Despite its size, the Gadzebro was skeletally thin with a structure that exists both beneath and outside of the flesh. The bones being not made of living tissue, but of a spotted, green metal. Although wingless, the Gadzebro could soar through the sky with the greatest of ease, flying past the quickest of birds by catching wind underneath its flesh. If no wind could be found naturally, the Gadzebro could carry itself on its own breath. Although being a creature with an ability to breath, it did not need its breathing organs to survive. The air was merely a method of transportation. Hence it could survive under the sea for as long as it saw fit.

All other creatures feared this mighty beast. The Gadzebro preyed and feasted upon any animal it saw fit. It could stalk any animal successfully and could stand perfectly still, as if it was not a living creature at all; thus to lure creatures into its clutches. Its hunger did not limit itself to creatures of the flesh. It also supped on plants and minerals. Entire forests were devoured in mere minutes as mountains were leveled by its immense hunger.

Nothing is known about the current whereabouts of the Gadzebro as it is immortal. It is said that one day the Gadzebro will return from its self-imposed exile and again rule the Earth.

Old Frames, New Story

Hi, I'm a monkey... Hey, great! A banana!

You're telling me that's not a banana. It's a what? A wang?

I was really excited. I was gonna eat that.

The images all came from a single episode of Futurama.

Juice Goes To California

Juice forgets his plane ticket and must walk to California.

Once he arrives in California, Juice finds his friend waiting for him.

Noticing the abundance of plastic surgery work that has been done in California, Juice makes a decision. He will have a plastic surgeon perform some work on him that will make his biggest wish come true.

Juice regrets having the plastic surgery. The moral of this story: be careful what you wish for, you just may get it.

Images in this story were provided by Futurama on the Fox Network.

Freeze Flame Mini Clip

Futurama: My Three Suns by J. Stewart Burns

"So what is the deal with people from under the orange sun? They're all dee dee dee de dee."

"But us guys from under the red sun, we're like uh, uh. Right? Am I right?"

Why Me? The Zombie

Cast of characters:
Gianni – Our plucky, young hero and a data-entry clerk at Datapro.
Conte – Another data-entry clerk at Datapro
Tony – A data-entry supervisor and president of Datapro.
Busty – The hot secretary at Datapro.

[Two cubicles, side by side, each inhabited by Gianni on the right and Conte on the left. Each slowly clicking keys.]

Conte: Typing in the data. La la laa.
Gianni: Are you singing?
Conte: Ooooh, yes I am. La la laa.
Gianni: You gonna stop?
Conte: Nooo, no no no no.

[Gianni starts banging his stapler against the cubicle partition.]

Gianni: STOP SINGING!
Conte: Maaake meeee. La la laa.

[Gianni throws the stapler over the cubicle partition, hitting Conte in the head, knocking him out cold.]

Gianni: Conte, you okay?

[Thirty seconds pass.]

Gianni: Conte? Conte!

[Thirty seconds pass and Busty enters.]

Busty: Why’s Conte asleep?
Gianni: Oh shit. Uh, nevermind. Why you late today?
Busty: My car’s at the mechanic. I took the bus today.
Gianni: Oh, that’s too bad.
Busty: Conte, over there. He shouldn’t be sleeping at work.
Gianni: He’s… not asleep.
Busty: He doesn’t look awake.
Gianni: He’s dead.
Busty: How’d he die?
Gianni: I killed him.
Busty: Ah, ah… Why?
Gianni: Because he wouldn’t shut the hell up!
Busty: AAAAAHHHHH!

[Busty runs screaming from the cubicle.]

Gianni: That was too easy.

[Gianni picks up his telephone receiver and dials.]

Gianni: Busty.

[Gianni hangs up and redials.]

Gianni: Busty, don’t hang up. I didn’t kill Conte. I was just joking… Yes I know it wasn’t funny… Come back here, I need your help… Need two people for this… It’s like a ceremony… Ward off zombies… Sort of like a dead person who walks around feeding on the brains of the living… Yeah, just like in that movie.

[Gianni hangs up the telephone receiver. A minute later, Busty re-enters.]

Busty: Whadda we hafta do?
Gianni: Come with me.

[Gianni and Busty leave Gianni’s cubicle and enter Conte’s cubicle. Conte is leaning backwards, face up in his chair.]

Gianni: Okay, Busty. Put your right hand on Conte’s forehead and repeat after me.

[Busty places her left hand on Conte’s forehead.]

Gianni: Other hand.
Busty: Other hand.
Gianni: Whatever.
Busty: Whatever.
Gianni: Busty indeed stupid.
Busty: Busty indeed stupid. Hey!
Gianni: You’ve got your left hand on Conte. Not your right.
Busty: You’ve got your… Can you say that again.
Gianni: Nevermind, let’s begin.
Busty: Nevermind, let’s begin.
Conte: Uuuuhhhh…
Busty: AAAAAHHHHH!

[Busty grabs the stapler and begins hitting Conte in the head with the stapler.]

Busty: Take this you zombie bastard!
Gianni: Busty, stop. Stop!

[Conte pushes Busty away and rushes out of this chair.]

Conte: What the fuck!
Busty: AAAAAHHHHH!

[Busty throws the stapler at Conte and runs away.]

Conte: What… The… FUCK!
Gianni: She thought you’re a zombie.

[Tony enters.]

Tony: What the hell is going on in here?
Conte: I’m not sure. All I remember is singing then I blacked out.
Tony: Isn’t it a little early to be drinking?
Conte: I wasn’t drinking.
Tony: Gianni, he drinking?
Gianni: I don’t know. Maybe.
Conte: I haven’t been drinking!
Gianni: Then how did you black out?
Conte: I don’t know…
Tony: And what the hell happened to Busty? You drinking with her?
Conte: I’m not drinking. And I have no idea what’s wrong with Busty. But she was hitting me with a stapler when I came to.
Gianni: I told Busty that Conte was a zombie. I had no idea she was going to try to attack him.
Tony: You told her, he was a zombie?
Gianni: She asked why Conte had blacked out. I couldn’t tell her he was a drunk. Might get back to you.
Conte: I’m not a drunk!
Tony: Conte, I’m going to send you one of those detox clinics. Dry yourself out. Come back in a month. I don’t want to lose you.
Conte: I’m not a DRUNK!
Tony: Conte, go. It’s on me.
Gianni: What?
Conte: Uh, well… There’s no use hiding it anymore. My name is Conte and I’m an alcoholic.
Tony: Go lie down in my office. I’ll take you to a clinic right away. I just have to setup Gianni with your files.
Conte: Okay boss.

[Conte exits.]

Gianni: He’s not a drunk Tony.
Tony: Gianni, you’re to do all of Conte’s work until he comes back. And when he does, I want you to watch him. Make sure he doesn’t fall off the wagon.

[Busty runs into the cubicle.]

Busty: The zombie’s in your office Tony. But don’t worry. I jammed the door closed so it can’t get out.
Tony: He’s not a zombie. He’s drunk.
Busty: Really?
Gianni: He’s not a drunk, I threw a stapler at him. Musta knocked ‘em out.
Tony: Gianni, shut up and get back to work.

[fin]